k is for krista

Don't Bring Me Down, Bruce.

Sorry to be gone so long, but I really needed a break.  I didn't want to feel responsible for one more thing, so the blog was the thing to be canned for awhile.  I sometimes get myself all worked up and stressed that I don't realize I'm going into shutdown mode.  My stress is quiet stress.  My stress is shaky hands, insomnia, smartass comments said under my breath.  Steve is able to freak out, blowup and get it over with.  I just can't do that.  I've tried and the results aren't pretty.  Whether I like it or not, I am expected to keep my head, stay cool and never let 'em see me sweat. 

In high school I was a success.  Last night I fell asleep remembering my Senior awards.  I won a lot of awards, but the ones I remember best were excellence in English and The National Guard Outstanding Leadership award.  I remember the English award because I got a Cross pen and pencil set, and I promised myself flowering poems and prose from that pen.  I still haven't written with it.  I tell myself it's because I don't want to lose it, but really I am afraid that my words will be stale and lifeless and undeserving of such a pen.  The National Guard award was awesome because I had no idea I was even being considered for it.  They spied me at a VICA conference and were impressed with my leadership, energy, and creativity.  Now I'm too shy to order food at a restaurant.  Where is that girl?  Where did that confidence and creativity go?  Where is that smile?

I feel hollow inside.  I don't feel anything, really.  I tried to ask myself what would make me happy, and I couldn't come up with an answer.  I tried to ask myself what makes me sad, angry, or frustrated, and I couldn't come up with an answer.  I think my love is all used up. 

Ten years ago I was a big fish in a little pond.  Am I suffering because I am no longer the big fish?  No.  I'm not competitive.  I just want to be proud of myself again.  I want something.  Where am I going?  Where have I been?  When will I be able to appreciate my gifts and actually do something with them? 

In there we were all in one place,

A generation lost in space,

With no time left to start again.

-Don Mclean

No Title Today...But Lots of Bad Language

Can I just say I'm more than a little sick of every single celebrity who fucks up going into counseling or rehab?  I'm sorry, but it doesn't mask the fact that you screwed up royally.  And maybe you don't need counseling.  Maybe you're just a fuck-up.  Maybe we're all getting a little tired of you blaming your screw-ups on a personal tragedy, a personal battle, and internal struggle to be yourself because life in the spotlight has made you the way you are.

There's a big fuss over what Isaiah Washington said about a coworker on Grey's Anatomy.  Now he's in counseling. 

"With the support of my family and friends, I have begun counseling. I regard this as a necessary step toward understanding why I did what I did and making sure it never happens again. I appreciate the fact that I have been given this opportunity and I remain committed to transforming my negative actions into positive results, personally and professionally," Isaiah said in a statement released to Access Hollywood.

I have a few ideas, Isaiah.  Maybe you're just a nasty person.  Maybe you just don't think before any little thought comes flying out of your mouth.  Maybe you honestly think you are so big that you don't need to censor your personal views and opinions and take other folks' feelings into consideration.  Whatever the case, I actually don't think you need counseling.  I think this is some pathetic cover-up to try to save your career.  I think instead of counseling you should promise that for as long as you live, you will censor yourself and think for 2 seconds before running off at the mouth.  It's called being a responsible grown-up, and you don't need a Freudian psychoanalyst to tell you that. 

That'll be $95.00 and call your mother every now and again.  Try good manners.

It was really grey and dismal last weekend, and with Steve away hunting I went into a bit of a slump.  So I dug around in the stash (!) and found the perfect project.

The brightest sock yarn I could find.  A little something to get my mind off the dismal winter outside.

Toe-up, my own pattern.  It's better that way, I promise.  I just do a toe-up cast-on and work from there.  They fit better and I don't have to keep reading notes to see if I'm messing it up.

Steve's back now (yay), and the sun it is a-shining, but I am glad I have this pick me up, especially after a long day at work.

An extra shot...This one's all for Alice.

Reality Check

When Steve and I were trying to get pregnant, I kept having these notions of what I would be like, once we concieved.  I really wanted a baby so badly I thought I would become this amazing Earth Mother, peaceful with the world and content with my life, spinning in circles in a sea of daisies.  Well.  It's just not happening.  I don't FEEL pregnant.  I don't feel this amazing bond with my unborn child.  I don't have enough energy to spin in circles, and it's January.  There are no daisies to be found.  I really worried that I would never feel for this baby.  Until today.

My secret pal sent me the sweetest baby socks and mitts that I have ever seen.  I can see my baby's feet and hands kicking around wrapped in these beauties.  The front is the bear's face and the back is it's butt!!!  Ha ha ha!!!  I love them so much.  And secret pal, these are my very first pieces of baby clothes.  They will always be a sweet, sweet memory, and will make their way into baby's hope chest after they have been enjoyed many times.  You are awesome.  How did you know exactly what I needed?

Oh, yum yum yum.  I am in love with you secret pal.  I dream about being your best friend, and exchanging delicious candy treats on a regular basis.  Maybe it's just the chocolate talking, but I really think we have a good thing going.  I really think I want to move to your country and live next door and eat chocolates from this company every day.  I don't even care what it will do to my ass.  I am in love.

Purple is perfect.  I think I will make some bedsocks.  Or maybe a cap.  Or maybe...could be anything, you know. 

These, my friends, are handmade socks.  They are pink and I think they are the most perfect socks I have ever seen.  I am guessing they are Pomatomus socks, but I can't be sure.  I took off my socks and put these on immediately, and my feet are toasty warm.  That is really saying something because the Arctic blast hit us two days ago and I cannot get the apartment warm.  I love them, and I think I am going to wear them for the rest of my life.  I am one happy camper.  Secret pal, you are so awesome, but who are you?  I am desperate!  I have your name on the package, but I need your blog!  I want to know more about this great person who sent me exactly what I needed when I needed it.  Thank you so much.

Promised Pictures and Finished Objects

First off, I promised to post pics of the presents I got from my secret pal.

Mmmm, Chocolate.  It had crunchies and small, small bits of hazelnut.  It was gone in about 5 seconds flat.

Pure new wool and the cutest potholders I have ever seen.  Thanks again, SP!  I love love love the potholders!

Also, I finished the first thing on my list of incompletes!  Knit From Your Stash Hooray!

My Mother's Christmas socks, just a little bit late.  The pattern is Simple Trekking Socks, which I totally loved.  The point where the picked up stitches become a gusset don't have a hole at all.  The pattern is easy to follow and works very well for the Trekking yarn.  I will be keeping this pattern on hand for this yarn in the future.  Next up, the hunting mittens.  Then Dad's bed socks.  I'll keep you posted.

Hi Everybody!

I am so totally back.  I don't know if the exhaustion will come back, but right now I am awake and aware of my surroundings (a true improvement).  Again, no pics.  It is sloooow here at work, so I'm gonna make a list or seven.

What I Am Joining This Year:

1. Knit From Your Stash 2007

2. UFO Resurrection Challenge 2007

3. A reasonable and fun knitting group, even if I have to make one myself.

What I Am Not Joining This Year:

1. Charity Knitting Groups.  I am not trying to be uncharitable, but clearly the trend for this year is to get rid of the stash.  My stash at this point has projects already assigned, and we will stick to this with the severity of an overzealous captain at a boot camp for teen mothers on crack.

2. Secret Pal.  I have enjoyed it, really I have, but receiving random skeins of yarn will not assist in stash reduction.  See ya next year.

What I Will Be Focusing On This Year:

1. Having a baby.

2. Writing one poem or short story a week.  I will, at some point, be published.

3. Journal-ling whenever I get a great idea instead of trusting myself to remember it and then never getting it on paper.

What I Will Not Be Focusing On This Year:

1. Weight loss.  I will be pregnant until August, and breastfeeding after that.  I will not be dieting.

2. Pleasing certain family members.  I love ya, but I don't really care right now, and you can't make me.  Nani nani boo boo.

3. Television.  There are many, many other things to do.

Later, possibly this weekend, I will be going through the stash and index carding each project.  I think the list will amaze some, shock most, and possibly cause one or two of you to run screaming from your computer.  Coming soon!

I'm here.

I'm alive.

I'm trying.

All I can stand to do right now is sleep.  Please bear with me, I'll be my old self as fast as I can.

Out Of Commission

Sorry it's been awhile.  Frankly, I haven't wanted to do much of anything.  I am having a very difficult time with the early stages of my pregnancy.  My hormones have always acted up, and now they are wreaking havoc in me.

Example:  When I was 17 I started taking the Pill.  My doctor prescribed Tri-Phasil 28, which I took religiously at the same time every day.  I became so sick I thought I would die.  I began to have night terrors to the extreme that I was sleeping in my parents' room in a sleeping bag so my mother would be nearby when I awoke from them.  I could not hold down water.  I became so nervous and shaky I thought my skin was crawling off my body.  When my mother called the doctor she was told these pills take 3 months to get used to.  My mother replied that in 3 months I would be dead, either from malnutrition or suicide.  Boy, did they get those pills switched.

Anyway, that's what's going on now, minus the sickness.  Surprisingly, I haven't had a bit of morning sickness, but the anxiety is almost more than I can bear.  I feel like I'm going to scream.

Example:  Last year there was a problem with Steve's taxes.  I've been scurrying around trying to find the papers and I can't.  I am having anxiety attacks over this shit because if we plan on buying a house, our taxes better damn well be in order.  Today, while updating my email, I noticed I have a whole folder online for our taxes.  It was always there.  How did I forget this and allow myself to get so freaked out? 

Steve has been really terrific about this.  He is more supportive than I ever thought he would be, and more patient than any man should be.  Whenever I feel like I am losing my mind, he is there to stroke my back and get me a hot tea.  I don't know what I did to deserve someone that precious.

Please keep me in your prayers that I get through this first trimester without being committed.  Wink, wink!

In way, way better news, I got my first package from my secret pal!  I have pictures, but they're at home and I'm at work.  I'll post them tonight.  I got two cute potholders with sheep on them, chocolate (thank God), and some olive green wool that I will put to use for a hat, mitts, and boots for baby.  Thank you Secret Pal!

By The Way...

Better Late Than Never

When I picked up the Winter 2006 Interweave Knits there were a ton of patterns I knew I would knit.  I made it a point to take some notes and figured I would give you a little review of the magazine.  All notes are as they appear in my notebook.

A Cardigan for Arwen-cute!  love it!  must knit it!  -sizing is imperative; no closures

Equestrian Blazer-dress or casual -perfect for any occasion

Retrograde Pullover-neat idea -no man I know would wear this.  Steve says,"If you weigh 3000 lbs you'd look okay, otherwise it will just bag and make you look like a stick."

Refined Raglan-looks stiff; would use a different yarn -generic; perfect for a gift

Rambling Rose Cardigan-TIGHT!  (in a bad way)

Provincial Waistcoat-yes!  must knit!

Corded Yolk Pullover-we get it, Annie.  Now make something we would actually wear.

Arctic Diamond Stole-must knit!  -love the geometric lines

Wine and Roses Mitts-must knit!  so adorable!  -I would actually wear them constantly!

Cowgirl Slipper Socks-perfect quick gift

Tweed Beret-also a great quick gift -for me, too

All else- eh.  Take it or leave it.

There is a great article on steeking.  I have not tried this yet, but I think I want to try it out.

Who Would Have Figured?

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Half Elf
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