1. You will cry with every emotion. You could be mad enough to spit nails and you will cry. Then you will cry because you have been stripped of your assertiveness and eye-of-the-hurricane calm you have been cultivating your whole life.
2. You will look at your husband, at least once, and hate him.
3. You will look around your living quarters, at least once, and hate them. (Let's be honest here. You will hate them a lot.)
4. You will get gas that could kill a small child. At work, you will avoid bending over to pick something up for fear of letting one rip, it will be that bad. I have had a Cheerio sitting on the floor under my desk for a week because of this.
5. The midwife will find something wrong, at least once, and you will simultaneously become terrified and devastated because there is something wrong with your baby. Then you will find out you are fine, the baby's fine, and you will hate your midwife, just a little.
6. The midwife will think your belly is measuring too big and so she will check for two heartbeats, which she will find. You and your husband will take off work the next day for an ultrasound only to find there is just one, incredibly long baby in there. You will love your ultrasound tech more than you have loved anything on this Earth. You are too full of love for the ultrasound tech to feel any hate for anyone at this time.
7. You will ache at night. You will ache at work. You will ache in the shower, and no one can help you stop aching. You will hate your own body for just a minute or two.
8. Everyone has a terrible labor and delivery story. Women who have lost legs from labor, women who have labored for 13 solid days, women who have delivered 15 children at once. It's okay to hate these witches.
9. You still may not find yourself bonding with the baby. This is normal and you don't need to hate yourself for it as long as you are taking care of yourself and the baby.
What they will tell you.
It's A Boy!
Our baby boy now weighs 1.4lbs and is tall like his daddy. We have a hockey star in the making!