"Never wrestle in the mud with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it."

Barbara L in MA used this quote on the comments board for the Yarn Harlot and I think it pretty well covers what's going on with me.

Pig=Ego

Mud=Self-pity

My ego has really been enjoying wallowing around in the mud of self-pity lately, and I don;t know what's up with that.  We have to find a bigger apartment, preferably a house, but I don't know how we will afford something more with baby expenses upcoming.  We have always been provided for, and God has always given us what we need and most of what we want, but there is a trigger of panic that thinks..."we're not going to pull this off...we're going to go bankrupt...we can only afford to live in section eight..."  Which is just plain ridiculous.  I need to get off this train and hop on a friendlier, funnier one.  I just want time to enjoy this pregnancy, to ponder exciting things about the baby, to think of all the fantastic sweaters and socks I can knit...but when I start thinking baby all I get is a laundry list of complications and worries.  When does this phase of the pregnancy end?????  (when will I stop over-punctuating????)

Comments

[Samantha]

First off, don't worry ... Everything happens for a reason, and everything will work out how it is supposed to. You'll be fine. :)

Secondly, this stage of pregnancy (where you are worrying about stuff) stops when you have the baby and you worry about all things baby. LOL Its completely normal and natural, and as 3 time mother (to be) I'm still going through all the stages. Its just natural. :) Just try to take some Mommy Time to yourself, whether you have a nap or knit in peace for a half hour. Take some relaxing time for you. :)

[BigAlice]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful. I believe it will all right. You'll finding something bigger, or figure how to do more with where you are. Beating yourself up for beating yourself up doesn't help, I've tried it and have the t-shirt.
When I'm stuck in an ugly thought loop, the only thing that helps is to firmly and consciously concentrate only on the thing that I am doing Right Now. To examine all the tiny leaves on a plant as I walk by, to think consciously of how the wind feels on my hands and face. To really concentrate on the taste of an orange.

I never feel like doing much at these times, and I'm not so good at making myself feel better, but I let myself play at something, something I'm not worried I'll ever fail at. Like rearranging my yarn or doing a swatch in a new design, or even just doodling about. If I can get my mind out of the vicious cycle, sometimes I can find the energy I need.

If you need to talk, my email's at bigalice (at) gmail (daht) com. I haven't ever been pregnant, but I've done the Depression & Anxiety Tango more times than I care to remember.

[Asa]

Thanks for your kind comment on my new blog!

I have been through the pregancy thing (our daughter is now 3 1/2 years old) and it can really play with your emotions. Keep your chin up, soon you'll know boundless love.

[Krista]

Umm, when does this phase of pregnancy end? It's called parenthood. Welcome. You've finally arrived. Life will never be the same. Luckily that first smile is totally worth every moment of fear you feel leading up to the birth.

Just so you're aware, you're not alone at all. Every parent has moments before the birth where they feel like a complete impostor and that any minute now, someone with authority is going to figure you out and take away your parenting permit. I had my first child just months before September 11th, and I've never felt such a strong sense of "what have I done bringing a new person into this world?" These kinds of feelings subside a bit over time (honestly, you just get too darn busy to actually consider this kind of thought all that often), and you get down to the business of raising a kid.

As for the fears of not being able to afford the baby, have you thought of alternative options for clothing and furniture? Check around in the local newspapers for bedding and garage sales or thrift shops for clothes. My grandparents were great garage sale shoppers, and they found me tons of things for my first. Some of the clothes are things I'd never consider putting on any child of mine, but for a quarter each, I wouldn't tell my grandparents that. The rest was in great shape. You'd be surprised how little those pieces of clothing get worn in the beginning. There's no need for you to spend the money for new stuff if you can let someone much richer than you do it. Just buy one little new outfit if you really must and get the rest cheaply used. The greatest thing about babies is that they will never complain about being mismatched or whether they are wearing the latest styles or not. Take advantage of that while it last (especially if you end up having a girl).